Piss & Moan: a rant
by DemonBlade
Summary: PG-13 for cussing....a series of rants from the IY cast and their points of veiw on our fics. they have to go thru the torture of acting them out, so lets hear what he's go to say! Shippo/Rin's 1st turn!
1. Inuyasha

Piss & Moan: a rant  
  
  
  
Hey all...I was just reading sum fics and started thinking as Inuyasha..this is the result of it.  
  
  
  
Hey. Inuyasha here. I've been reading a load of fan fiction in the past few days and have been noticing the lack of fics that capture MY feelings. Ya ya, we ALL know that Kagome feels like shit about the Kagome/Inuyasha/Kikyo love triangle here, but what about me? I mean, oh boo freaking hoo. Kagome's tied to a tree while Kikyo tries to drag me off to Hell. Maybe I'm the only one who realizes it, but while she was just ties to a freakin' tree I was the one being dragged off to Hell? HMM?!? Almost EVERY FUCKIN FIC is a sob story about how I'm cheating on Kagome with a dead corpse. Who said I WANTED to go to hell? Me? Nope. I'd have rather stayed pinned to the god damned tree, thankyouverymuch! And why does it seem that all of you freakin' fic authors make me out as a bastard? I know I can be an ass, trust me, I know. But on the other hand, who has popped my arm out of it's socket five times, pulled my neck muscle, broken my nose once, fractured my collar bone twice, AND almost broke my back? KAGOME! Just so you guys, gals, and bakas know; I actually act the Inuyasha in you fan fictions! Do you have ANY idea how many times you osuwari me in each chapter! A WHOLE FUKING LOT!!!! Ooooh, I call her a bitch! Now you sit me five times in a row! She IS a bitch! She's a female last time I checked! I'm a dog demon! That's what we call our women, BITCHES!! KAMI!  
  
Now, this whole thing about making me a gay lover to Sesshomaru and/or Kouga? Now that's just sick! Sesshomaru's my freakin' BROTHER! Nasty, nasty, NASTY!!! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!!! And KOUGA?!?!! Where in all of the seven hells did you guys get THAT idea?! I hate his mother fucking guts! The day I even remotely start thinking sexually about him is the day I kill myself!! 'Sides.I'm most defiantly NOT GAY!!!! I've go nothing against gays but I happen to be a straight as a line, thanks.  
  
Now on to the whole Kikyo/Kagome thing. I. Hate. Kikyo. She tried to drag me off to hell for Christ's sake! Get her away from me!! And about Kagome: she's so fucking abusive! She's a fucking maniac in your fics!! She's got some serious issues that you give her, ya know? And would you stop with the fucking osuwaris?!? One a day is fine for me! I DO NOT need 10 every five minutes! I HATE IT!!! All of you authors are so freakin' abusive!!! ARRGG!!! How would YOU like it if you slammed into the ground at 100 miles per hour??? And not just once? Ten times! HMMMMM??!?!!! Not much, right?  
  
And the thing I hate most is all of the god damn Sesshomaru/Kagome pairings! Lets get one thing straight. Sesshomaru. Hates. Humans. Hell, he hates most demons! And for all of you who say, 'Oh, he lets that little girl, Rin, stay and hang around! He can love humans!' No. He can love RIN. Rin's in her own little species as far as he's concerned. NOT Kagome. Besides, I am so fucking SICK of all of the bitching and moaning I get from my brother after he acts one of those fics out! All he does is whine and complain! Besides, he's GAY! He's got a rather bad crush on that creepy gay guy that likes me.. And Kagome! You've scarred her for life! She's always freakied out after the lemons.. And it ain't no party for me! Having to watch my gay half-brother kiss Kagome is NOT my idea of a fun fic.  
  
Well, now all of you know how I feel about these fics. So there!!! NYAH!  
  
  
  
Please don't flame me..these are INUYASHA'S thoughts from when I think like him.hope you liked! Ja! 


	2. Kagome

Due to popular demand and the fact that bitching and ranting come naturally to me, a new chapter is UP!!! Oi, Reh the anonymous reviewer, thi s one's for you! WEEEEEE!  
  
-Rei  
  
  
  
Piss and Moan: a rant  
  
Rant 2: Kagome  
  
  
  
  
  
Ohayo minna-san! It's Kagome this time! Fist off, I'd like to say that you're all great writers...and I admire that you can write fics and all but...I have a few TENSY problems...  
  
I am so SICK of half of the clichés! They ANNOY me. If I read ONE MORE high school fic and am forced to act it out, I'll kill someone! I swear it! They always start with Inuyasha and me 'conveniently' bumping into each other. Damn it, do you KNOW how much that HURTS?!? I'm always getting flung, slammed, bumped, falling, and smushed into walls, floors, people, and other random, hard blunt objects! I've gotten more broken bones meeting Inuyasha in your high school fics than in the stinkin' MANGA! Concusions, fractures, sprains, pulls.. Enough is enough! If you're gonna have me meet Inuyasha in one of your fics by bumping into him, stop making me FALL DOWN FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!!! I hope the next person who injures me like THAT gets serious burns!!!  
  
Now, another bit about fics..why is it that I NEVER get to have any fun?? I'm always so TIMID and WEAK! What is it with you people??? I WANT TO BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA SOMEONE!!!! I've killed a fair amount of demons and you NEVER let me beat up Kouga until you make me loose my memory! What IS it with you people?! And if I'm forced to act out ONE more date with Hojo, I'll KILL the author who wrote it and force them to eat their own crap! Or even worse: put THEM on a date with Hojo. Kukukukukuku..see how the like it.  
  
Now on to more important matters. Sesshomaru/Inuyasha fics. Lets get one thing straight: incest is GROSS ENOUGH!!!! But gayness between brothers...Do you know how many time's I've seen Inuyasha get dehydrated from puking after those fics?? We ALL know Sess is gay but Inuyasha is straighter than anyone I know. Besides, he's MINE! Wanna know something gross? Sesshomaru LIKES acting out the gay incest fics!!! He keeps COPIES of those fics, and pictures, and tapes. BLECH!!!! He's a good guy to go for on makeup tips but really..there are LIMITS on GAYNESS!!! And there are those ugly Kouga/Inuyasha fics...I shudder at the thought! Inuyasha HATES Kouga. Do you know how much barf I have to clean up?!? They've had to go to counceling after all of those fics! The bills cost SO MUCH!!! ARRRGGGG!!!  
  
Now, onto the whole Me/Inuaysha/Evil psycho bitch love triangle. Inuyasha: mine. When this happened: After the whole spider head incident. Why I get so pissed and sad when Kikyo tries to drag my man to Hell: He's MY man. MINE!!! Not Kikyo's! MIIINNNNE!!! I HATE ALL OF YOU EVIL AUTHORS WHO MAKE INUYASHA CHOSE KIKYO!!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!! DEATH TO THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU!!! Anyway. I don't cry THAT much. What am I? Constantly dehydrated?? Oh boo hoo! My guy's ex is trying to get him back!!! Make me destroy her DAMN IT!!! Onto Sess/Me fics! Goody! I HATE THEM! It scares me so much.the lemons..GAH! I don't move from my room for a week after I act those out!!! He's gay...::groan:: please! For the love of Mike and My sanity, STOP THESE FICS!!!!  
  
I guess that's it.. One more thing about me and crying: you can make me cry when I'm in physical pain and/or EXTREME mental and emotional agony. Other than that, your fics are FINE!  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, there's your Kagome rant!!! Didja like??? R&R 


	3. Gay Sesshomaru

DUDES!! HOPE YOU!!  
  
Piss and Moan: a rant  
  
Rant 3: Sesshomaru  
  
  
  
HIIIIII! ^_^ Sesshomaru here! Like, how are you? I'm good but I've got a few teensy, little problems with your fics, K???  
  
Well, for starters: I' gay. Gay and proud of it! I really, like, HATE those fics were you put me and lil Rin-chan as mates! I mean, she's my lil puddin'! My motherly instincts only love her as a daughter!! Oh Rin! My little baby and me can't look at each other after a romance with lime and/or lemons between us! And then we cry, and hug, and have a girl talk. She loves me as a mother-father figure! Only like that! I'm her mummy!  
  
Also, as I've said, I'm homosexual. I, like, can't -stand- fics filled with lemony goodness that are about me and KAGOME! She's, like, my BFF! Best bud! She, Sango and I share makeup tips, for Kami's sake! We're so grossed out by even the -thought- of being together, if ya know what I mean. ^.~* But really, STOP IT OR ELSE I'LL BE FORCED TO SPEAR YOU WITH MY POSION TALLONS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ahem...anyway, please stop with those fics!! She's a sweet girl but really.. And Sango/Me fics. No. No, no, no, no, NO! My god, she's too nice and is dating Miroku at the moment. Besides, even if I weren't gay I wouldn't go out with her! She's just not my type..  
  
Onto yoai fics. Yum yum! Not nearly enough!! More fics with me and Inuya- OW!! Damn it, Inu-chan! That hurt!! ::hear Inu-chan cursing his brother off for those suggestions:: Gripe on your own time, Dog boy! My turn to rant! Anywho, gay incest is fine with me!!!!! MORE OF IT!!!! He's got a hot body, but he's straight so that sucks! And would someone PLEASE do a fic where Naraku and me get together?? He's sooo buff under that pelt and guys wearing animal skins really turn me on! And any gut that wears a fur cape HAS to be gay! I'd hug him, and kiss him, and we'd adopt a girl and name her Zina Fairy-Princess Pea! ::goes all starry-eyed::  
  
One last thing: If one more person cuts my hair to suite their fic, I'll kill them. Got it? Good.  
  
Weeeellll, Ba-bye!  
  
That's Sesshomaru for ya folks. Ja ne! 


	4. Baboon Butt aka Naraku

AN: Hey peeps. This is gonna be reeeeally short. Naraku's and ass so he doesn't get much time in the slot, k? 'Sides, all he ever does is bash us fic authors..  
  
  
  
Piss and Moan: a rant  
  
Rant 4: Baboon Butt a.k.a. Naraku  
  
  
  
  
  
Hello you pathetic excuses for living beings. I hate you. I hate your family. I hate your fanfics. I hate your desires. You all suck. Impudent humans such as yourself should not have the power to bend me to your will. It is an outrage! So I have decided to destroy you. Yes, every last fanfic author should die, for beings able to control me should not be allowed to live.  
  
I retch at the thought of performing your works. They are disgusting wastes of paper! You must die for this, yes! You must!! Kukukukuku..  
  
I grow weary of fictions with me paired with Kikyo. I am not Onigumo and the woman is lame. I have no desire to kiss her frozen lips or fuck a corpse. You are all incompetent weaklings who have an IQ of negative zero if you have even the slightest inclination that I would enjoy loving a dead object, find something not so bitchy..and preferably dead-dead, not living- dead.  
  
These words will sum up another topic: If you put me in a yoai fic, I swear that I'll rip out you innards and keep you alive long enough to watch me eat them.  
  
No straight fics, either. I'm A-sexual. No romance, assholes.  
  
Farewell, Impudent human authors. I hope you get run over by a bus or by and Iraqi terrorist.  
  
  
  
Hello all. I just want all of you to know that I am a Sesshomaru fan, as well. I do not hate him, it just was funnier to make him gay. After I do rants for all of the other characters I wish to include, I am considering doing another Sesshomaru rant where he is NOT gay. Thank you.  
  
-Rei 


	5. Miroku

Hiiiiiiiiii!!!! Byyyyyyyyyyeeee!!!  
  
  
  
Piss and Moan: a rant  
  
Rant 5: Miroku  
  
  
  
  
  
Hello, all. I would first like you to know that I am truly honored to have fics based soully around me and think you do a wonderful job..sometimes. I feel you have a right to know what I dislike about your fics as much as I have the right to flame you.  
  
  
  
First off, I'd like to talk about these fics with me and Sesshomaru. They have been becoming quite frequent. I hate these fics with every fiber of my being. And I wish a long, PAINFUL death to the one who started this! Evil! EEEEEVIIIIIIIIL!!!!!! The horrors, the HORRORS! As some people would say, this is a, quote unquote, 'mind fuck'. If you are a boy and write this crap, put yourself in MY position. Would you really wanna do it with Mr. I-wear-eye-shadow-I-am-so-gay? Would you?! Now, stop these fics or I'll suck you all into my Kaza Ana! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
  
  
Also, I'd like to bring up another flawed fic pairing. Me and Kagome. Nuh- uh. No way. You couldn't pay me enough to get me to do that pairing willingly. A much as I appreciate you putting me with that luscious, beautiful, sexy, bust-OW! Inuyasha, what the hell'd you do that for?! Ahem..anyway. As much as I love fics with Kagome, it's not worth the broken bones. My insurance only covers o much and getting your spine relocated isn't cheap.  
  
  
  
Am I really so perverted? Shut up Inuyasha, it was a rhetorical question. A much as I want a child, I don't grope women THAT much. You are ruining my chances with women! And don't even SAY it's because of my pick up line! I am so SICK of getting pummeled by boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, older siblings, uncles, and hanyous. If I get hit over the head ONE MORE TIME bye that freaking boomerang of Sango's, I'll flip. I'll fucking kill you all! BWAHAHAHAH!!! I am not a lecher!!!! And those fics where I-um- take advantage of women: NEVER IN A BILLION YEARS WULD I COURT THE IDEA OF RAPING A WOMAN, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! FUCK OFF!  
  
Well, guess that's all for now. Wow, what a great way to do away with stress. Bye, dip shits. Um..yeah.  
  
  
  
Well THAT was out of character... 


	6. Sango

Hi. I'm back after a fairly long wait.  
  
  
  
Piss and Moan: a rant  
  
Rant 5: Sango  
  
  
  
  
  
Hello everyone! Sango here. Like the others before me, I'd like to say 'thank you' to everyone who writes fics based on the Inuyasha anime and manga. And as great as they are..sometimes..I have a few complaints to give.  
  
There have been quite a few fics where I am paired with Inuyasha..which is an extremely bizarre experience. I mean, not only is he gruff and crude, he's a horrible kisser. I mean, he just -sits- there and if you're lucky puts his arms around you. Not fun. Not fun at all. Besides, as good friends Kagome and I are with each other, she still gets a -teensy- bit angry. Not very angry, just enough to break your eardrums along with your nose..  
  
  
  
Another big no-no is fics with Sesshomaru and me. Uh-uh, no way no how. Not good, not good at all. I think anyone who writes these types of fics should be tortured to death. Yeah, the ones who enjoy these fics, too. Yes, that's right, you. The only good part of that type of fic is that he can kiss better than his brother. Now for the bad things.. He can get a tad bit into the role of he and I being 'mates'. As in a week after the fic, he'll bring be chocolates and teddy bears. I think he may be bi and feminine, not gay and feminine. Then after her realizes what he's been doing, he avoids me for a week and it a total ass to me. Shut up, Sesshomaru. You know it's true! Confusing bastard...  
  
  
  
Then there are fics based on the Kagome/Sango thing. You all suck. You all fucking suck. That's just wrong to a new level. I can take fics with Sesshomaru and Inuyasha, but a girl has to draw the line somewhere. Well, this is the line. I'd like to slaughter the one who wrote and started these fics. You're all SICK TWISTED BASTARDS!!!!! DIE, PEOPLE, DIIIIIIIEEE!!!!! Ahem..ok.  
  
  
  
I am sick of getting groped. I am sick of being hit on by perverted monks. I am sick of getting molested on a daily basis by Miroku. I am sick of hitting said monk on the head every five minutes and am sick of fighting with said monk every five seconds. When he's off stage, he's quite the gentleman, but the way you portray him...feh. Besides, how do you expect me to get and stay with him if he keeps molesting me?  
  
I suppose that's it.  
  
  
  
  
  
Yeah, I know, not as funny as the others but I hope it was ok. 


	7. Kikyo baka

Yo. Long time no see. I hope you like this chapter.  
  
  
  
((othe rpeople adding input))  
  
Piss and Moan: a rant  
  
Rant 6: Kikyo  
  
  
  
Hello. It is I, Kikyo, your ruler. Your master. You hall listen to every word I say and make every single of my whims truth. Like okay?  
  
I'm, like, so sick and tired of being per-por-portrayed as a wako. I mean, sure, I'm dead. But does that mean I have to be a total B-word? I mean, like, it is soooo hard to keep no emotion on my face! That's Fluffy-san's ((Don't CALL me that!))specialty! It's, like, sooooooo dumb! And I don't get to wear my favorite colors! Why does Inuyasha get pink and not me, anyway? He's the total punk, not me!  
  
Like, the whole Kagome-comes-thru-well-to-save-world thing. No, Only one of us can be alive per time period! Like, hellooooo Takahashi-sama! What are you thinking?? Besides, she throws all of my plans to the wind! I want to have cute little puppies eith my Inu-chan ((I'm NOTyour Inu- chan!!!) and knit them cute little ear warmers and boots for their itty- bitty paws!!! But she, like, shows up and ruins EVERYTHING!!! ((Naraku ruined everythin before I showed up, you dumbass!!)) Now I'm dead because of her! ((I'm the reason you were given another chance!))  
  
Inuyasha is MINE!!! MINE, MINE, MINE, MNIE, MIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEE!!!!! NOT YOURS, MIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! ((O.o I'm backing away slooowlllyyyyy.....help me!)) MINE! ::glomps Inuyasha:: ((Bitch! Get offa MY man!))  
  
Kagome and Kikyo get into a cat fight over Inu-chan and start bitch slapping and pulling hair untill Miroku and Sesshomaru pull them apart. Inuyasha is rushed tot he hospital due to servere injuries.  
  
Ummm.....oh yeah!!! Let me KILL Kagome more often!!!!!  
  
That's it.  
  
  
  
  
  
O.o Um....yeah...... 


	8. Shippo and Rin part 1

(( other dudes talking ))  
  
Piss and Moan: a rant  
  
Chapter 8: Shippo and Rin  
  
H-hi.....Shippo...yeah. I think that's my name. Kagome, It that my name? ((yes, Shippo, that is you name!)) Oh, gooood.  
  
I'm like so high right now. High as a helium balloon. Eh- heh....ehehehe.... Woooo!!!! If I move this candle around, it leaves a pretty trail! Chase the trail....... *chases the trail of light right into a brick wall. Is then dragged away and Rin is shoved on stage*  
  
Hi. I'm Rin and I hate all of you. I hate me too. Life sucks. You all fucking suck. Why? Why must you make my life so miserable? Why must you torment me? What have I ever done to you? What?!  
  
I have three illegitimate kids because of you. One from Shippo and two from Sesshomaru. Do you know how old I am? Do you? 13. 13! And now my life is ruined.  
  
I hate all of you damn it! I HATE ALL OF YOU! ALL OFF YOU!!!! *breaks down into sobs* Where are my damn antidepressants?! Where did you hide them this time? I need happiness....  
  
*sobs uncontrollable and pulls a knife out of pocket and tries to slit her thin, bony wrists. Sesshomaru stops her and hugs her.*  
  
(( OK, who let her out of the psych ward again?! Get her out of here.... ))  
  
*Rin is hauled out of the room, still sobbing. Kagome then walks onto stage.*  
  
Um, hey all...... sorry about Rin. The third kid really did her in. She is one of the cast members that never recovered form your......creativity. And sorry about Shippo, too. We'll try to catch him when he's, well, sober. That might take a while, though.....catch you later.  
  
A/N: woah...sorry about that one. I think that got sorta angsty.... and remember: you know what to do, please review! 


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